Pat and John on...Beauties and the Beach - What you'll see this summer

It’s summer time which means a lot of things to a lot of people. For some it means barbecues and outdoor fun, for others it means staying in to beat the heat, hating every drop of sweat that comes down from their head and for the lucky kids of school age it means a few months of freedom. Join us as we breakdown the the wonderful time know as summer, and the people who come out during this time.



BEACH BUMS





The beach is probably the number one destination to beat the heat every summer. That is unless you live in a landlocked state like John grew up in (Arizona). In that case you’re going somewhere on vacation, likely to a beach or a lake. Vacations are a topic for another blog...

Anyway, the beach is awesome, for a couple hours at least, but then it gets kind of played. Agree or disagree about the awesomeness of the beach, what IS undeniable is that the best thing about the beach (as is the case anywhere with more than ten people) is People Watching. Here’s who you’ll inevitably see on the sand...

The Tanner



Usually a chick, but as we’ve learned from the boys of Jersey shore, its not a gender exclusive activity. (Side note: They spent 2 summers at the Jersey shore and 1 in Miami, how many days did they go to the beach? 3 total? The truth is, people that love tanning stay far away from nature’s tanning bed).





The Tanner has a mission, get as dark as humanly possible. Unless, that is mom and dad gave you your tan... a line that was once uttered to my dad when he asked a waitress at Dave and Buster’s how she stayed so tan in the winter (smacks forehead).



Anyway, Tanners get to the beach early with the goal of having their skin run through at least 3 nationalities that day. They are the antithesis of “Pale Man” and sunscreen is their enemy.

olds) a chubby by untying the bikini strap when they’re on their stomach. God forbid there’s a line of white across that black back. Then again what do I care? I’ve got a free show at some squished side-boob.



Girls hating other girls





AKA the hot chick that’s wearing the thong. Or the girl that’s rocking a bathing suit that looks crazy good. Or the girl that’s slightly more tan. Or the girl that’s got a wiggle to her walk. Or the girl that kind of glanced your way. Or the girl that’s got the nicer sunglasses. Or the girl that’s drawing more attention to herself. Or the girl that’s impressing the boys with her volleyball skills. or basically any other girl on the beach. Bottom line is, your girlfriend hates all the chicks. Because as soon as the bathing suit is put on, the competition is ON like King Kong.





And men: we think we’re sly, but we’re not. Your girl knows that the reason you put on your sunglasses is so you could stare at other skanks walking by while you pretend to read. And if she doesn’t know that, then she’s dumb, and you should get a new GF who’s grounded in reality. You see a girl that’s a 10, with about that percentage of her body covered and it’s like you don’t even have a choice but look. Your girlfriend will throw out the, “wow is she really wearing that? ugh she’s so fake looking,” line. A real veteran boyfriend will beat the GF to the punch though by saying, oh man, check out that skank. Christ, what a slut. I’m so glad you don’t look like that.

To find out the rest of the people you'll see this summer, visit Pat and John on...